Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
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doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Shower sex be like:
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
TRAIN’S HERE
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?