ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
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My retirement plan is to become a cat.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money