I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
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Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.