I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
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(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote