Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
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That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.