Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
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Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there