Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
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Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.