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Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.