“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
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I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…