Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
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“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago