Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
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Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Received some very disappointing news today