I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
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Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share