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It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
🤣🤣🤣
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I have a new favorite meme page
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
And now we wait
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.