thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
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I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
bugs when you lift up a rock
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*