“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
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4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.