My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
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“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.