Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
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[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken