If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
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Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.