Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
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Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
went fishing caught a bass
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Heroic Misunderstanding
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
it is time once again
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”