Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
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me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
incredible book dedication
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*