How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
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WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I forgot how to panic. Help
That’s it.I’m out.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Seek kebab; not attention
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
one of
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.