Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
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Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Peace was never an option
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
repaired
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.