Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
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DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.