They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
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No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up