[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
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Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
dream blunt rotation
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
describing stardew valley