“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
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Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
How to woo a woman
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Looking at you, Jesus.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.