I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
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We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I can’t be the only one 😂
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand