Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
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A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Twitter remains undefeated
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story