sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
You Might Also Like
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
hmm conte-me mais
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.