Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
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I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I can’t wait!
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]