If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
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When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast