There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
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Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.