I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
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that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
just witnessed a drug deal
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO