Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
You Might Also Like
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?