[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
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Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Real House Wines.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks