[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
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My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.