Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
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[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
*has no idea what a book even is*
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears