classic mixup
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Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Stop making fast and furious movies.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
What?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.