I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
You Might Also Like
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Love it! 👍😂
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.