I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
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Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.