the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
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ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.