Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
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Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*