me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
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Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
💁🏻♂️
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.