“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
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A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
My five year plan is a meteorite
you will never know the true number of layers
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
True?
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out