I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
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GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
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When you let grandma cat sit
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.