I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
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teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Not helping
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.