So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
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I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Need WebMD
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…