Jogging
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“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
house sitting!
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
This hospital has everything
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”