Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
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My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.