Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
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Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.